what you need to know

If you are supporting someone experiencing family violence 

It can be hard to know what to do if you’re worried someone in your life is unsafe.

Supporting someone experiencing family violence is a critical and sensitive task that requires empathy, understanding, and knowledge of available resources. Here is a guide to ensure that your support is effective, safe, and informed.

Step 1: Recognising signs of family violence

Detecting family violence can be challenging. Signs are not always obvious, and the person affected may not even realise they are experiencing abuse. However, there are several indicators you can watch for that may suggest someone you know is dealing with family violence:

  • Withdrawal from social circles: Have they become increasingly isolated from friends and family? Do they seem unusually quiet, lacking in confidence, or depressed?

  • Controlling behavior: Do they mention controlling actions, such as “they don’t like it if I don’t let them know where I am” or “they’re always checking my text messages”?

  • Jealousy and anger: Do they talk about someone in their life being excessively jealous or prone to anger over minor issues, like a messy house or a forgotten shopping item?

  • Fearfulness: Do they appear anxious or fearful, or seem different when a certain person is around?

  • Public criticism: Is someone in their life publicly demeaning them, such as calling them names or criticizing them in front of others?

  • Sexual coercion: Have they mentioned feeling pressured to engage in sexual activities they are uncomfortable with?

  • Physical abuse: Have they disclosed any physical abuse, such as being pushed, restrained, hit, or otherwise physically harmed?

  • Unexplained injuries: Have they had physical injuries like bruises, broken bones, or abrasions? If questioned about these injuries, do they provide evasive, upset, or implausible explanations?

If you notice these signs, it’s important to approach the situation with sensitivity and offer support.

Step 2: Do your bit to understand family violence

When offering support, it is important to understand what family violence is.

Family violence occurs when a partner, ex-partner, caregiver, family member, or someone in a close, 'family-like' relationship uses threatening, controlling, or violent behavior that endangers safety or well-being.

Family violence isn’t limited to physical or sexual abuse. It encompasses a broad spectrum of abusive behaviors aimed at exerting power and control within a relationship. Regardless of its form, family violence is never acceptable.

Step 3: Begin the conversation

It can be hard to know what to do if you’re worried someone in your life is unsafe. But simply asking, listening and believing them can have a big impact. 

It is important to choose your moment carefully and be patient.

If someone speaks to you about family violence, listen without judgment and validate their feelings. It is essential to allow them to share their experiences at their own pace. Be sure to let the person know that you are there for them and that they are not alone. Remember, they may be dealing with feelings of shame, fear, or confusion, so approach the situation with sensitivity.

While you may feel like jumping into action, it is important to respect their choices and don’t judge them if they want to stay. From the outside, leaving a volatile relationship may seem like a simple solution, but there are many valid reasons why someone may choose to stay. Keep in contact with them regularly and check in on how they are going.

Safe and Equal have published a useful flowchart for how to navigate this conversation, along with additional resources available here.

Are You Safe at Home? is an initiative from Safe and Equal.

If someone is in immediate danger, ask them if they want you to call 000.

Remember, it takes a lot of strength and courage to tell someone about violence or abuse. If someone opens up to you, it is important that you listen without interrupting, believe them, and take the abuse seriously.

Step 4. Encourage professional help

Professional support can make a significant difference. Encourage the person to seek help from organisations that specialise in family violence. In Victoria, services such as Safe Steps (1800 015 188) provide 24/7 crisis support and emergency accommodation, and nationally you can call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)

All of the services that YANA offers begin with a conversation with Safe Steps or 1800RESPECT.

If you are worried that the person is in immediate danger, call 000. It is ok to call seek emergency support for someone else.

In Victoria

Safe Steps
1800 015 188
Available 24/7

Nationwide

1800RESPECT
1800 737 732
Available 24/7

Specialist services

Explore a directory of specialist services via Safe and Equal.

Step 5: Keep checking in

It is important to continue supporting the person and checking in regularly. Depending on the situation, you might help the person identify a safe place to go in an emergency, or establish a code word, emoji, or signal for help. You could encourage them to think about their digital safety as well, such as changing passwords and securing their devices if needed.

Remember, family violence is never justified and it is not the fault of the victim-survivor. Stay in regular contact and check in on their well-being often.

Respect confidentiality

Respect the person’s confidentiality and privacy. Do not share their situation with others without their permission. Maintaining confidentiality builds trust and ensures that they feel safe in confiding in you.

Take care of yourself

Supporting someone through family violence can be emotionally draining. Ensure you also take care of your own mental and emotional well-being. Seek support from friends, family, or a professional counselor if needed.

Know when to seek help

If the situation escalates or you believe the person is in immediate danger, contact emergency services by calling 000. In urgent situations, acting quickly can be crucial to ensuring their safety.

What not to do

Don’t criticise, dismiss, or blame them

Any instance of family violence is very complex. Don’t try to rationalise the situation, dismiss it, or make excuses. Instead, focus on being supportive and helpful.

Don’t tell them what to do

It is easy to think that we have all the answers, but we can never understand the complexity of the person’s situation. Don’t tell them what to do, but instead focus on making them feel confident in their own decision making. If you are concerned that they are making unsafe decisions, encourage them to speak to a professional who has the skills and experience to offer informed guidance.

Don’t pressure them to leave

Leaving a situation of family violence is incredibly complicated and difficult. There are often valid reasons not to leave, which can be hard to see for the outside. Don’t pressure them to leave, and instead trust that the person understands their own situation and support them in the choices they make.

Don’t give up on them

Be patient. It can be hard to watch someone who you care for remain in an unsafe environment. It might be frustrating, scary, or feel repetitive. On average, people experiencing family violence will attempt to leave the relationship seven times before successfully separating. It is essential to remain supportive.